James Tan

Now you’re reading this Tumblr.

Jasmine Pai (LOL so that way I know which Jasmine I’m talking about when I look back on this like a year from now).

We were both so stressed out and I’m glad we came to a mutual decision.  You need it, I need it.  For now, it’s for the best.

And I know I told you already, but please try and keep a level head.  Talk things out, work hard, and don’t give in.  Oh, and don’t think you’re never good enough/not pretty.  Cause that’s totally not true.  LOL for some reason I can’t get One Direction out of my head while typing sooooo:  ”You’re insecure, don’t know what for… you don’t know you’re beautiful.”

Corniness.  Gotta love it :3 .

PS - Wear that pin at SkillsUSA!  If it got me a gold medal, it can get you one too.  You guys gotta beat down some *cough* unfair teams in this competition.

12/21/2011 - 03/08/2012 (“Dating”/Talking)

01/19/2012 - 03/08/2012 (In A Relationship)

Well Steph…it’s been a wild, crazy ride.  I didn’t see us ending so soon…and I don’t think you did either.

Remember how we started talking?  We met at the KPop concert but I’ve alway seen you at our school.  You would come there for cheering and I knew you were Catson’s sister, but I didn’t know anything about you.  If anything, I thought you were all party girl like her but oh, how I would find out how wrong I was.  But that KPop concert I was really feeling you.  You were cute, Asian (Korean too <3), nice, and just so fun to be with.  I thought you were really awesome and I was definitely crushing just a tad.  I never thought much of it though.

Then, I noticed you were upset on day on Tumblr around late November/early December.  I asked what was wrong and you told me about this guy.  He found out you liked him, and he stopped talking to you all of that.  I gave you general advice, I wanted to let you know I was there for you.  We never really talked, but I gave you my number in case you wanted to text me.  Turns out, you did give me your number.  You texted me that night.  It was all general advice, and it wasn’t groundbreaking but it was a start to at least getting to know you.

After that we saw each other in school when you came for cheering and would say hi to each other frequently.  After the pep rally I even small talked with you on Tumblr a bit with your ask box!  LOL we just talked about the pep rally :) .  You wanted to show a bit of sumn sumn to your friends and the basketball took it all as a joke, lol.  But it was nice to talk a little bit.

Then, 12/21/2011 I missed Ann Claire’s party.  I was devastated.  I knew how important it was to her, and I promised her I would go.  And then…I couldn’t go.  You texted me first this time!  You checked up on me.  You asked me if I was okay.  You said that you wished I was there cause you needed someone to dance with.  It was really sweet.  I really started feeling you then.

Thankfully, we continued talking.  Christmas break came up that weekend!  We literally texted each other each waking and sleeping moment since Ann Claire’s.  We talked, and talked, and talked.  And I enjoyed it.  Christmas break we wished each other Merry Christmas and continued to talk.  And then on Tuesday, 12/27/2011 we ate lunch together at Boston Market.  Our frist “date” (and our only “real” one, unfortunately)!  It was fun.  We didn’t know if we liked one another yet, but we enjoyed it as friends.  Something that was special and definitely worth coming out for.

Then, on 12/30/2011 we confessed we were interested in each other.  It was awesome.  You noticed I was talking about someone on Tumblr and I noticed you were talking about someone on Tumblr too.  We played the guessing game.  It was cute at first but damn did I just want to spit it out and get the games done with.  I’m such a tease.  Eventually, we told each other our guesses.  You guessed me, and I sent you just a “:)” .   Hehe, I wanted to keep up the teasing.  Right after that smile though, I changed the subject just cause I didn’t want to confess…not just then.  I remember freaking to Ann Claire cause I didn’t want to rush it, but it was okay.  I was happy.  You were such a tease though, only sending me a smiley face back.  But I was hopeful.

Finally, on New Year’s Eve we kept talking.  When the ball dropped I told her how happy I was to meet her and how happy I was she became a part of my life that break.  I told her how the “:)” I sent the other night meant a “Yes” as in…she was the girl I was interested in. She sent me back the same thing, saying how she enjoyed us spending break together plus a “:)” of her own.  After some coaxing…she told me it was a “Yes” too.  I was so ecstatic.

The rest of January till I asked her to be my girlfriend was amazing.  We were in such a honey moon stage.  We would talk all the time, see each other in the hallways, everything. On 01/10/2012 you made a post that you got butterflies all the time when you were with me.  So sweet.  And the next day on 01/11/2012 I told you about my plans for the V-Day dance…asking someone to prom.  You asked me who I wanted to take.  Naturally, I said you.  You made another post saying you were the happiest girl in the world.  I loved it.  I absolutely loved it.  I pictured us going to prom together, everything.  It was all so perfect.

On 01/19/2012 I asked you to be my girlfriend.  I was stressing out that week and I was having second doubts.  But eventually, I knew to just take the plunge.  I told you I would surprise you with something, just a cover because we wouldn’t be able to perform “Falling For You” for your SkillsUSA Talent Show concert.  I freaked out to everyone cause I was so worried.  I even changed the song last minute to “Love Story” cause I couldn’t find any words to change to ask you out.  But then…you came.  I took you to the staircase by the chem wing (not the math wing) and I put my laptop on record for our cover.  I started playing, but you didn’t know the words.  It was a solo act for me.  It wasn’t working so I just asked you the normal way.  And you said yes <3 !  So happy.  You asked me how I really wanted to ask you, so I played out my own version of Love Story.  If I remember right it goes, 

“Stephanie Son I really, really to like you, Will you be my girlfriend that’s what I want to know, I whipped out my guitar something something something (I didn’t even remember this part), This is our story will you just say yes?”

You said yes though and that’s what counts.  It didn’t work out as planned, but whatever.  You said yes!  So happy.  I still have that video too, you know.

Then we were in another honey moon stage.  So good.  A week later on 01/26/2012 you gave me a bracelet for good luck on my license test.  It wasn’t planned, but it fell into our one week-versary!  So cute.  You kept telling me you had a surprise for me and asked me what my favorite colors were.  I thought you would make it in mine…but you made it in yours.  Purple :) .  I love it.  Still do, still wearing it.  When I got my basketball sweater I gave you it.  It’s huge on you, but it’s still cute.  And you gave me your cheerleading shirt. I still wear it to sleep, but it’s all good.  It reminds me of you.  We had such a good run..such a good honey moon stage.

02/14/2012 was our first Valentine’s Day together!  I told you that you would be the first girl in my car, so I took you from the lower lot to the upper lot.  Not what I had in mind, but I wanted to take you up since I had the car with me anyways that day.  I had a rose for you, but it wilted in my locker unfortunately :\ …  But I spent that whole day making you strawberry creamcheese frosted red velvet cupcakes cause I knew you liked strawberry!  So hard to make though…it was so stressful.  I even forgot to get you a card…(still didn’t get you one…sorry, plus forgot about the rose…sorry…).  But you gave me a homemade card and a panda bear you picked up at I think Atlantic City during your cheer competition.  It made me really happy.  I still have it in my room!

Then on the day of Chocolate Competition, that night you had the most depressing Tumblr post I’ve ever seen you post.  You cried yourself to sleep and I texted you all night and even tried calling you.  No dice.  But the next day I surprised you at BT by visiting!  I wasn’t sure if you wouldn’t like it…but I did it anyways.  Fail though cause I didn’t know where your locker was, or your locker combination.  But eventually I just met you anyways outside BT cause you were almost there anyways, so why not.  Ann Claire took a bunch of pictures of us, and it was your IDT day.  You introduced me to a lot of your friends and what not, which was awesome!  I loved it, and I loved seeing you.

Then we hit Winter Break.  It wasn’t like how I expected…you stopped texting me the same and I got clingy.  I was worried because your Tumblr post the day before and I got clingy with each sad post you had on Tumblr.  We never met up like we planned…and it seemed to you I tried inviting myself over to your house (I wouldn’t know that though until our break).  Things were so rocky and I was so worried…break wasn’t turning out like how I thought it would be.

I remember us taking a break though 02/23/2012.  It was the Thursday of Winter Break.  You told me that you were really stressed out and that I was getting clingy.  I always asked about your problems whenever I saw a depressing Tumblr post, but I never really “got it”/understood.  Then, you said that it wasn’t that you didn’t want to see me…but I invited myself over.  I texted you back that I was only clingy because I was worried and that I was sorry for being clingy.  I told you that I thought it was implied we would see each other and I misunderstood, but also that I wish you told me sooner.  Well, you texted that you should have told me sooner.  And that we needed a break.  I was worried.  I asked you so many questions like, “How long will it be?  Define a break?”  So much…so much.  But eventually Tiff told me to just go along with it, and I did.  All I got was…”thanks.”

The next week was hell.  I didn’t know what to do.  How to approach you.  You weren’t going to BCA anymore because cheer was at Paramus Catholic until States.  We didn’t talk at all.  I tried saying “hi” and “good luck” at your other cheer competition, but no reply.  Thankfully, the night before states you did reply.  It made me happy.  At least I knew you got my texts.  At least I knew you knew I was there for her.

The week after though was worse.  Sunday night I texted her that we needed to talk.  She replied to me not over text, and that she was going to go to BCA later that week.  I never knew when though.  I asked you if you could come on Monday, but no dice.  You never showed.  I told you I wouldn’t be there Thursday/Friday, so I needed to see you soon.  Tuesday didn’t work out either.  You were a no-show…and Juju comforted me.  Wednesday I went to BCA after internship.  Still a no-show and I drove Jenny Kim and Sherry “Berry” home.  Well, on my way back I love tapped a car and got my first “accident.” It wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t go to BCA trying to see you, I suppose.  I was so mad.  One thing led to another and I tweeted about you.  I tweeted “So fed up.  This is ridiculous.” and another like “Do you want me to hate you?”  I wanted to break up with you right then and there but…I regret it.  I don’t hate you.  I was angry.

I texted you that we needed to talk..and you said you wanted to talk tomorrow but I said I wouldn’t be there.  I told you I thought I said I was free and that we would talk tomorrow.  Then I see tweets from you saying how much you were crying and a Tumblr post that said “shoot me now so I wouldn’t exist.”  I was so worried.  I texted you, but you said it was just a major depressing thing.  I thought it was me.  You told me you would bring Juju’s cake container from Valentine’s Day back and I expected the worse.  A break up.

The next day…today…03/08/2012 was hell waiting for you.  I texted your friend Renee all day actually by no apparent reason.  She gave me her number after we tweeted each other a lot last night.  It was weird, but whatever.  When you came to school though…it was alright I suppose.  After a bit we went outside to talk…but it wasn’t good so we went back inside where it was more private.  Someone asked if I was your boyfriend…you just told her “bye.”  I knew what was coming.

You started to say, “Sorry to say this, but I think we should be-” and then I cut you off.  I wanted to talk out our problems first and not just go into that.  So we talked.  I explained my part of the story, and you yours.  I asked why we went on a break in the first place and that it was sudden.  You said it was sudden too.  Your mom was stressing you out a lot, and I was getting clingy.  I knew I was clingy.  I apologized.  I explained why I was clingy and so worried…all about the depression posts and the suicide posts.  I told you that I don’t want you to think that way.  I told you that I didn’t want you to stress out, I didn’t want any of that for you.  I didn’t want me to add to your problems, and that we should just be friends.  So…friends we became.  It was over.

Going upstairs we talked a little, for the first time as “friends.”  I remembered to give you my SkillsUSA pin as a good luck charm.  I was going to give it to you if we got back together, but also if we decided to break up.  I messed up my explanation to you…saying that you didn’t help me with my competition (they go to someone who helped you with your competition) but that it was good luck.  But what I forgot to say was that I never got you a bracelet and that I wanted to give the pin to someone special.  It was a special pin…one from one of the proudest moments in my life.  I gave it to you.  (She’s in SkillsUSA too, so I wanted her to have some luck.)

Then we talked about SkillsUSA a lot.  I told you how our Entrepreneurship team (her competition as well for her school) got an extension and you got so mad.  We talked a little bit about our respective competitions.  It was all nice and everything.  I gave you some tips and pointers.  You said you was really confident and it made me happy.  Cara insisted to drive me home but she was also taking you (Stephanie) home.  After a little jam session, your mom wanted you home asap.  So, we drove you.  Seeing you walk through that door into her house…well, I guess it was the end of our wild, crazy relationship ride.

But I’m glad.  My only regret was I never kissed you.  I feel like a couple’s first kiss is special.  I gave you plenty of cheek and forehead kisses, and we held hands often and held each other  a lot…but I never gave you that kiss.  I wanted to kiss you Valentine’s Day.  I really did, but…I didn’t.  I should have and that is my only regret.

It’s been crazy and wild, but it’s been good.  I don’t regret much.  Maybe one day in the future we’ll get another chance.  A real chance.  A real shot at love.  It stinks how personal problems can get in the way sometimes…with you having a strict mom who’s been on your case about grades and doesn’t want you to date until college.  It’s tough.

But maybe, just maybe when things work out we’ll get back together.

For now though, I’m letting you free to fly your pretty wings around (Maxwell - Pretty Wings).

10/16/11

I have no clue as to what to do with my sister.

Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t try or care.  So when someone tells her so, she’ll get really sad and depressed.

I wish therapy and everything worked.  She’s lost Faith in not only from God, but from my parents and friends as well.  I’ve tried everything like praying and what not, but nothing seems to be working.  If anything this is the biggest reason as to why I’m upset.  Having a sibling with so many problems she can’t overcome tears at me inside.  When we as a family try to boost her self confidence by wanting her to better her wrong actions she gets upset.

It’s so damn hard.  It really is.

10/16/11

I haven’t needed to post on this blog for such a long time.

This blog may have been forgotten by me, but a little tutee (Lillian <3 ) who likes stalking me decided to take a peek at it.  I don’t think I need to re-read my posts right now, but I’m glad the need for me to post on this blog is diminishing.  One day though I will definitely look back on these things.  Quite honestly, Valerie was pretty much the definition for me of my first like…everything.  First love, first summer fling, first kiss, first date, first whatever.

I think it’s funny though.  Never in my life would I have imagined or anticipated how heartbroken I would have been by just one girl.  I’m glad though, because the me that emerged out of it is stronger than the one before.

But dang.  I sure was one angsty heartbroken teenager.

Oh and by the way Val, you look cute with your new James ;) .  HAHAHA, maybe one day I’ll actually meet another girl named Valerie in the same way.

Stop arguing please.

Well, I know we’re not exactly friends anymore, but it still made me smile a bit when I realized that today was the day we started talking to one another in the Student Center.

I looked back at my archives and saw the Tumblr posts we made each other.  Cute stuff :] .

Thanks for being such an awesome friend for me despite us parting our separate ways.

Because, “No matter where we go and how we move on in life, we are still connected to those special people.

4/10/11

After a month of not talking to you, you happened to cross my mind once again.

I know I’m doing well, but not matter what the thought of you still tickled my heart a bit and left it a tiny bit aching.